Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Holy Crap! The World is Ending! By Anna-Marie Abell





Holy Crap! The World is Ending!
How a Trip to the Bookstore Led to
Sex with an Alien and the Destruction of Earth
The Anunnaki Chronicles
Book One
Anna-Marie Abell

Genre: Humorous Paranormal Romance

Publisher: Alien Abduction Press

Date of Publication: September 21, 2017

ISBN: 978-1-947119-01-7
ASIN: B071Z7YTW7

Number of pages: 349
Word Count: Just under 114,000

Tagline: End times are here! Now you can eat whatever you want and not care if you gain weight.

Book Description:

The president has announced that Earth is going to collide with a rogue moon, and in the process, our entire planet is going to be smashed to bits. As one would expect, upon hearing this news, humans went ballistic. It was as if every sports team in the world lost their championship game at the same time. No car was left unrolled—but oddly enough, Taco Bell remained open and made unfathomable profits in the last days. Apparently, Doritos Locos® Tacos were a popular last meal.

Autumn (who for the purpose of this retelling asked to be portrayed as drool-inducing hot with kick-ass ninja skills) has just been handed the task of saving all of humanity. With the help of her unbelievably sexy alien boyfriend and her kleptomaniac friend with fire-retardant hair, Autumn takes a spaceship and races to save her fellow humans by using the Ark of the Covenant. Along the way, she discovers how sheltered people are from the truth of extraterrestrials and their power to either protect us or destroy us.

Stupid government.

Grab a bottle of wine, a shipload of snacks, and prepare to take a ride on this humorous chick lit romantic sci-fi paranormal adventure. If you’re into Ancient Aliens, conspiracy theories, UFOs, crave a little sexy time in your reading, are curious if we were genetically engineered (like the Sumerian cuneiform texts claim), and are dying to find out the meaning of life, then this book is for you.


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What Reviewers Have to Say

"An unexpected story that promises to be one of the most creative fictional discoveries of the year...a fun approach to the entire save-the-Earth-from-alien-invasion scenario which successfully turns traditional approaches upside down."- D. Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review

"A rollicking seat of your pants fun ride through the universe!"- Joan Silvestro, Booktrader of Hamilton

"An awesome read! Warm, witty--and thought provoking--a beach read that stays with you throughout the year!"- Aionios Books

"This book starts with a lot of humour, but quickly gets a very rich storyline with great characters and seriously... this ending? If you like to be blown away, you should read this!" - Esther, BiteIntoBooks

"Anna-Marie Abell has succeeded in weaving her years of study into in the ancient Sumerian culture and their gods with common conspiracy theories, pop culture and random human quirkiness into an out of this world end times romp that will have you laughing out loud at the most inappropriate times and possibly even shedding a tear or two before it's all said and done." - Jennifer, JennlyReads


Excerpt 3

Even though I’m a huge fan and would never give up my membership, I don’t think Costco is the bargain others tout it to be. Usually you can get cheaper prices at Target, if you compare pound for pound and factor in waste. Unless, of course, you need a silo of soda or one thousand packets of gravy—then Costco can come in handy. I’ve heard a number of people spout on that the gas prices are worth the membership fees alone. I call BS on that. Gas runs about ten cents per gallon cheaper at Costco—if you’re lucky—so on average you’re saving a buck per fill-up. I suppose this would be cool, except for the forty-five minutes you spend in line waiting to get it. You forfeit the stupid dollar you saved idling to get the gas in the first place. Once you add the membership fee into the mix, I could argue that you’re losing money unless you fill your tank every day of the week.
That said, there is one thing about Costco that’s worth the price of membership alone: the free samples. It’s virtually a complimentary tapas bar, providing a multitude of scrumptious morsels.
And as if management subconsciously knew the world was ending, they presented us with quite the smorgasbord that day: Hot Pockets, deli sandwiches, sushi, curry chicken, turkey meatloaf, potato salad, chili, Spanish rice, jelly beans, energy bars, chocolate-covered nuts, and fruit juice. Normally, I make it a rule not to be the butthead that goes for seconds, but under the circumstances, I didn’t care. On my third trip to the Hot Pocket stand, the lady gave me a dirty look, and I almost didn’t snatch another. But the gooey artificial cheese oozing from the slice made it impossible for me to resist snagging an additional helping.
In the refrigerated section, we found a hidden sample station that had jalapeƱo soft pretzel nuggets with nacho cheese dipping sauce. Score! When we went to grab a box out of the freezer to take home, we discovered a plethora of new products we hadn’t yet stimulated our taste buds with. In particular, there were these delectable double-fried pork and shrimp egg rolls. Yes, double-fried, with a bonus layer of tempura coating.
“Those look so flippin’ yummy,” Emma said.
“Should we get them?”
“I kinda want them now.”
Feeling reckless from the knowledge of our imminent demise, I evaluated our options. An empty sampling station with a toaster oven teased me at the end of the aisle. I nudged Emma and pointed at it. She smiled in agreement. Opening the freezer, I snagged a package of rolls, and we took it over to the station.
“Shouldn’t we put on some kind of disguise?” Emma asked.
She had a point. We definitely were not dressed for the part. Thinking on my feet, I rummaged inside the station’s cabinet and pulled a pack of hairnets from the depths. We snapped a couple on.
“Perfect!” I said, appraising Emma’s netted noggin.
Not wasting any more time, we tore open the box of rolls and threw them in the toaster oven. Within seconds, a crowd buzzed on all sides of us, like a swarm of flies after a warm pile of poo, waiting to get their mitts on our precious haul.
I leaned in toward Emma and whispered, “I hadn’t planned on sharing.”
“Me either. What should we do?”
A ding alerted us that the rolls were ready, and the sound was like a dinner bell for the drooling throng. We withdrew the crispy deliciousness; the smell was intoxicating. The mob gathered closer, a pack of rabid dogs moving in for the kill.
“We do apologize, everyone,” I announced. “It appears that these egg rolls might be defective. We need to submit them to quality control.”
The crowd moaned in disappointment.
Emma and I each wrapped a roll in a napkin and made a break for it, tossing our hairnets in a passing cart as we went. Behaving like junior high kids who had gotten away with skipping class, we giggled with pride and sprinted into an empty aisle. Hidden behind the wastelands of the toilet paper section, we chowed down at bionic speed, blowing out the heat and fluttering our hands wildly at our tongues because they had been scorched by the nuclear inferno of minced shrimp and cabbage.
Keeping my eyes peeled for any security on their way to nab us, I said, “Can you imagine having to spend our last few days on Earth in jail for looting egg rolls?”



About the Author:

Anna-Marie Abell grew up in a trailer park. Well, several actually. Her trailer was on wheels so she got to experience the Pacific Northwest’s vast array of mobile home parks as her parents moved her from one to the other. Somewhere along the way, she got totally into UFOs. Probably because she was hoping extraterrestrials would come and abduct her. But they never did. Luckily for her she was smart, because her only hope of escaping trailer life was college and a full scholarship. Moving to sunny California on her almost full ride to Chapman University, she was well on her way to her new life. Two bachelor degrees later (Film and Television Production and Media Performance), and several honors and awards for her accomplishments, she managed to start working in an almost completely unrelated industry from her majors: infomercials.

It was in college that she got bit by the “ancient alien” bug after listening to Zecharia Sitchin on Coast to Coast AM. In her pursuit to uncover the truth, she has spent the last twenty years researching the ancient Sumerian culture—in particular their “gods” called the Anunnaki—and their connection to the creation of the human race. What she found changed her life, her beliefs, and her understanding of the universe and everything beyond. Her humorous science fiction trilogy, The Anunnaki Chronicles, is a culmination of all her research, her borderline obsession for all things paranormal, and approximately 2,300 bottles of wine.








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